"But I don't want to trust God..."

“You just need to trust God!” How easily people throw that phrase out there….I used to be one of those people. From when I first accepted the Lord at age 4 until I was 13 when my dad was diagnosed with cancer I never paid a whole lot of attention to these words. They were just words people at church said when something went wrong.

For the 15 months that my dad was sick those words meant everything to me; trusting the Lord to heal my dad was what got me through the stress and worry. Then, continuing with His perfect holy plan, the Lord took my dad to be with Him…and those words lost their meaning for me.

Oh, I still heard them on a regular basis from well-meaning church members and friends, but they didn’t mean anything anymore. “Brittany, you just need to be strong and trust God.” And it would take everything in me not to shout back at them “I DID! And look at my life now!” Though on several occasions I wasn’t quite able to hold it back….my bad :)

Now, almost 7 years later I’m still feeling the same doubts, they’re less prominent and only surface occasionally, but they’re still there.

Earlier this year my dear friend and adopted grandfather Wayne was in and out of the hospital; again I prayed for someone I loved to live. And again God chose to bring that person home with Him.

Then, exactly a week ago I came face to face with another "mountain." Thinking back to when I heard that my sisters were in a serious car accident I realize now that as soon as I heard, my first reaction was to pray. My second reaction half a second later brought the first reaction to a screeching halt.

The last two times I prayed for someone to live God chose not to….maybe it’s me.

I decided I didn’t want to test that theory out at that particular moment. Thoughts of being the only sister left flooded into my mind, it was terrifying. I called a good friend and he said that he would pray; I wouldn't at the time because I was afraid of the results that might come if I did. Half an hour and many tears later I was finally able to get to the point where I could pray for my sisters.

Now, a week later after many serious monologues directed at God, some sitting silently and listening to Him and couple more tears, I have a new perspective. Nothing new, just more thought through and concrete in my mind.

Trusting God takes work, it’s not as easy as some people make it out to be. It’s easy until He says no and you find yourself in a downward spiral toward rock bottom. But trusting God isn't something you can just toss out the window, it's an everyday thing. 

I once heard someone mention that we trust God for the little things that we don't think about like keeping the earth in the correct place in the universe and filling our lungs with air every few seconds. Why is it that we really struggle with trust when it comes to the things that are "more of a big deal to us?" I'm still not sure of the answer for this, though it's definitely true.

Sometimes it takes a long time before you can accept a “no” from God; sometimes you might never be okay with it. But that’s alright. We serve an understanding God and that’s part of what makes Him so incredible :) Granted He’s not thrilled with the fact that I have trouble fully trusting Him, but He understands.

And, for the record, there aren’t any lightning bolts from heaven if you struggle with trust, no matter what some people may say :)

To my friends who have gone through or are going through some of the toughest moments in their life, it’s okay to struggle with trusting God. He understands and He will meet you wherever you are, He is patient and will never give you more than you can handle, though it may not seem like it at the time. 

To my friends who are watching someone go through a difficult time and don’t know what to do to help, don’t push, just be there for them. A few of my good friends did this for me; standing by me, listening to me question and argue, but never pushing me. And the Lord has used them in so many ways. Be that kind of friend :)

This is what I’ve learned recently. And if I'm being honest, I’ll probably be working for the rest of my life on getting back to the level of trust I used to be at. But that's okay :)

God is still trustworthy, even though it’s taken me 7 years to be able to say it

In one moment it can all disappear

Never let a day go by that you don't tell your family that you love them, you never know when it might be your last chance.

This past Sunday evening both of my sisters were in a serious car accident. Based on the condition of the car, it's a miracle that they survived.

Stephanie has a severe concussion and multiple fractures in various different bones. Beck has a concussion as well and will be in a neck brace for a few weeks. But both are alive :) Steph's memory has much improved though both girls are still a little out of it. Beck has told me 15 times in the past 24 hours that someone has brought them  flowers. She gets a disgruntled expression whenever I laugh and thank her for that new piece of information.

I'm sitting here watching them both color pictures of Disney princesses because that is all they can do. Because of the severity of their concussions neither are allowed to watch movies, read or do anything that requires any concentration.

As I'm watching them poke each other with their crutches I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have them in the first place. Their senses of humor despite their circumstances are so much fun. Steph's been laughing at Beck as she attempts to navigate stairs while wearing a neck brace while Beck is laughing at Steph as she wobbles around on crutches.

I love these girls so much! I have no idea what I would do without them. The scariest moment was when I realized that they both could have died. The realization that I could have been the only sister left is enough to make me tear up despite where I am and what I'm in the middle of doing.

My sisters are my partners in crime, my support system and my best friends. They always have my back and are always there when I need them.

Today when I was crawling through the totaled car, getting the last of their things, I was reminded of how close I was to losing them. The crumpled car, the piles of shattered glass and the tire marks in the grass where the car landed are enough to make anyone cringe. As a direct result, I have renewed my desire to kill them for nearly giving me a heart attack once they have fully recovered :)

I love my sisters :)