Seven years ago this afternoon I was in my parents room, bouncing around to music and dusting the furniture so that when they came home it would be clean. I knew that my dad probably wouldn't ever come home but it was nice to pretend for a few minutes that he would. A family from church had just taken the kids for the afternoon and I was determined to make the most out of the quiet house.
I was listening to a Christian song that was fairly popular at that time and trying not to think too hard about what was going on at the hospital. I heard a car pull up in front of the house and glanced out the window. One glance was all it took to realize that something was wrong. I wasn't sure if something had gone wrong with dad at the hospital or if something was wrong with one of my siblings. I dropped everything, ran down the stairs, yanked open the front door only to see the face of my dad's good friend, the pastor of our church at the time. One look at his face and I knew my dad wasn't going to come back.
It felt like the floor fell out from under my family.
I don't remember much of anything from the days that followed, just snapshots really. My mom coming home and telling us. Going through pictures of dad for the funeral. Watching someone typing up the obituary. Holding my five-year-old brother while he cried. Bits and pieces of the funeral. Lori Metzger hugging me at the cemetery.
The one thing that I remember thinking over and over again was that God had made a mistake, that he took the wrong person by accident. I had seen how God had done so many great things through my dad before and then throughout his sickness. Why would God mess all of that up now?
Time has passed, many things have changed in life. Our family has expanded and we gained a new sister and a step-dad. I wasn't very keen on the idea of new family members at first. But I can honestly say, the past four years have taught me so much and I have had a lot of fun with them. Other things have changed too, Noah's almost a teenager (holy crap,) Becka's graduating from high school, Steph's in her junior year of college and mom's still managing to keep up with all of us even though we're all going separate directions (she's my hero)
The only way I can describe what I'm feeling today is that it feels like it was yesterday and forever ago at the same time. Looking back now, I can't say that I like what God chose to do with our family, but I can say that He is good and He has stayed with us the entire time. Our family is strong, we're closer than I ever imagined that we could be. And most importantly....we're okay :)
Every year my family puts up roses in our profile pictures on Facebook in Dad's memory. In my newsfeed a few days ago there was a list of the people who have changed their pictures recently. Roses everywhere. It made me smile and tear up at the same time.
I went to the cemetery a few weeks ago, just to visit. I walked up to where we buried my dad and looked down. There was a little American flag laying on the marker bearing my dad's name, a gift from a veteran he helped years ago.
It's nice to know that people remember. It's nice to know that he hasn't been forgotten.
I never realized how many lives my dad touched throughout his life and even more surprisingly, through his death. We have been able to relate with people in a whole different way as a result of what happened seven years ago.
Sometimes God says yes to prayers, sometimes He says wait, other times He says no. He told us no seven years ago. As much as I hate to say it, God knew what He was doing when He said no. And even though it's hard and we hate it, we're okay :)
It's days like today that make me think that God must have backpacking trails up in heaven
